Beard Rule 16: According to the Australian Band, The Beards, “People without beards aren’t as good as people with beards”.
Beard Rule 15: If wishing to further accentuate the masculinity of a beard, dip it in alcohol.
Beard Rule 14: While stressful things are happening, by stroking your beard calmly and measuredly, you can assume superiority over all the beardless people involved in the situation. They will look to your clear authority to solve the problem.
Beard Rule 13: A beard being ruffled in the breeze is nature’s way of saying how much it appreciates facial hair.
Beard Rule 12: There are some men who insist that beards aren’t appropriate – they usually go on to say that beards mainly exist to hide a weak chin. Such men are allowed to scratch their balls twice per week, Wednesday and Sundays, when their significant other takes them out of her clutch purse. (Public holidays excluded.)
Beard Rule 11: It is not homoerotic to feel another man’s beard. Unless one of the participants find it so. Or both. Then it is.
Beard Rule 10: We refer to people with luxurious beards as beard appreciators. Hipsters, metrosexuals, etc., who grow very short beards or just keep a few days growth are beard depreciators.
Beard Rule 9: It is not a sign of an unkempt beard to find birds nesting in it. Rather, it is an indicator of dedication towards the environment and the awesomeness of the beard.